serious

I have become so serious.

 Serious because I have been on the battle front for 4 years.  I have forgotten how to simply enjoy life.  How to be simple – how to love and laugh.  I feel like a veteran coming home from war.  I have become so, so serious, because of people dying everyday and brokenness that I constantly encounter.  I feel guilty “letting go.”  I grew to resent others who do not understand the hardness of life and the battle that we live in.  I have gotten frustrated because people do not see the ‘holocaust’ that is happening around us.  In all of this I have been so traumatized that I am now living with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 

God has removed me from the battle ground, He has removed me from the trenches of war and took me home to ‘white fences and flowers.’  It is so hard for me to relax because I know others are still fighting the war. 

God, it’s not easy!  Why did you remove ME?  I feel like You have a special assignment for me, but I do not know what it is.  I must prepare for it somehow and for now You want me to recover from the trauma of war. 

It’s been 3 months already and I feel like I am only slowly beginning to ‘thaw-out’ now.  It is still hard.  I am cramping in the process.  It’s not easy.  It’s hard to let go especially knowing that the war is not over.  Others are in the fight.  There are casualties.  People are in pain. There are so many wounded.  It’s hard to enjoy life again, to be free and silly like I used to. 

I remember simply enjoying life, the lightness of laughing and being with people.  I do not feel like that any more.  I don’t feel like I can be carefree when there is so much pain that I am aware of.  It is hard to focus on making people feel good (which is what they want) when all I can do is focus on the pain they try to mask.  Addressing it, WILL make them feel better, eventually.  We must FEEL, in order to HEAL.  Yet people pretend that they are well.  They want a quick medicine to numb the pain.  In fact most people want a sedative instead of Real Treatment. 

Most people go to church just for that too.  They want a quick fix.  They want a prayer to fix their problems instead of fasting to change their perspective.  They want their 'good works' to earn them a blessing, instead of surrendering to receive free grace.

Why are we so stubborn? 
Isn’t that what I want as well?
A quick direction for the next step? Give me orders Captain! 
Instead of processing what I have been involved in and learning, taking the time to understand and making sure I absorb the lessons from it all. 
I need time to heal, from the wounds of war.  Maybe being ‘on the go’ I am not even aware of the injuries to the soul I have endured?!

Please Heal me Lord!   

silence

The sermon Sunday night was about Gods way of communicating with us, or answering our questions.  Typical information was given about God sometimes affirming our requests, sometimes denying them, or making us wait.  Then it was said that God sometimes is SILENT.  That it is His way of communicating also. 

I know that all too well. For He has often been Silent with me.  To be honest I don’t like it.  I much rather have God speak.  I love it when I can hear Him and sense His direction.  The sound of His sweet voice signifies His close presence, and attentiveness in my life.  I enjoy that. 

Silence.

I usually start doubting when God is silent. I start analyzing what has happened.  Why has He turned away, what makes Him not respond to my requests and search. 

Silence.

As I heard the preacher say that God uses Silence as a form of communication, I had a flashback. 

As we trained new volunteers for counseling at the pregnancy center, we always have taught them one of the major skills of counseling, is using SILENCE.  It is a powerful tool.  It provides an opportunity for the person to explore the issue further, to go deeper into their own heart and express more of what is going on.  It is a means of getting their ‘head’ connected with their ‘heart’.

SILENCE. “Never underestimate the power of silence,” we would say. 

And it hit me: If WE use this powerful tool of Silence in Counseling, why would not THE COUNSELOR be using Silence – with me????

no manna on a sabbath

Exodus 16:25  "Eat it today,” Moses said, “because today is a sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today.

During the actual Sabbath day – it is hard to FIND the manna on the ground. Well, it is impossible – because it is NOT there. I was wondering why it is hard for me to ‘hear’ the Lord as I used to, during my ‘normal’ life. But Now – I see that during rest we must do just that – REST. Lay low. Stay quiet. Sleep. Pray. Read. Spend time with God, in His presence is PEACE. But that also means that there is no WORK to be done.

There is NO MANNA on SABBATH.

It’s like I WANT Food. I want Revelations. I want the freshness of His Word.

But there is NONE.

I keep searching for it. I must live on what I have gathered before. I must eat off of that. I must trust the Lord to give me more when this season is over.

I am trying to hear from God – but just can not. I was growing wrestles because of how I was feeling. Feeling “Distant” and “Still.” In this stillness I have realized that I have learned to hear Gods voice among the noise of everyday stresses. I am so used to the ‘long distance’ relationship, filled with a busy schedule and sneaking away and find moments with Him. To seek His presence was a task, an effort on my part. Now, I am constantly in His presence, and I do not know how to hear Him when He is so near. I can’t. The silence and stillness is somewhat deafening.

Peace.

Although this is foreign territory, I am surrounded by incredible peace without and within. He said: “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” (Ex33:14). And I AM Resting. Possibly for the First time EVER. In His Presence there is Rest. Peace.

“He MAKES me lie down in green pastures..”(Ps 23:2) Against my will, He is making me be still. I’d rather be surrounded with people. Serving, loving, listening, praying. Yet He isolates me. He knows more of what I need, as I am His stubborn little sheep.

I thought this was a time for me to get strong. To gather new information and insight from the Lord, upon what He will have me do. Instead, His word sais I can NOT Gather during a season of Rest.

I can not Gather Now, for later. There just ISN”T anything available. This gentle realization came in a form of revelation. It calms my Spirit. THANK You Lord! Thank You for speaking this to me. I want to embrace this time and chew on all that You have given me prior to this season.

This also is reassuring because I know this ‘day’ will pass and I will have to ‘work’ again. Work in His Kingdom. Work for His Glory. And more, fresh MANNA will be given to me then.

sabbath

Exodus 31:15 "For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death.”


Isn’t that a little rough? DEATH – because they don’t rest.
Put them to death because that's what they are doing anyway without rest. Without reflection and a renewed perspective they are going to grow tired, bitter and angry at everything and everyone because they are not taking the time to rest and reflect on the One who is bigger than this life and who raises our awareness of the eternal goals of our meager existence.

Have you been 'dying' because you do not fulfill the Sabbath commandment by any chance? I have. I am realizing I Have. We are slowly putting ourselves to death when we do not obey Gods command to REST! I am realizing this now that God has called me to a prolonged rest prior to giving
me the next step in ministry.

Twice in one day I was asked: "Natasha, when is your Sabbath?"


Reluctant truth had to come out: "I don’t have one.”


I was too busy doing ministry. The work of the Lord is numerous and His people are hurting and in trouble... How can I take time to just sit around?


“You mean you defy Gods commandment to do His kingdom work?"

Ouch.

The Holy Spirit pierced me to the core of my being. He has not relented ever since with the grave need to learn and fulfill this command. I MUST - if I am to be obedient and useful in His kingdom.


Leviticus 16:31


"It is a day of sabbath rest, and you must deny yourselves; it is a lasting ordinance."

kids camp, wa 2011

Being in a kid’s camp again was great.  Last time I was part of a kids camp was in 2005. I didn’t’ realize how I’ve missed being with the kids.  There was such a nostalgic feeling about being there.  For what ‘was’, not for what was happening at the moment.  The memories of the good ol’ days, flooded me.  I was transported back to the time when we used to organize camps.  The stress, the responsibility, planning, praying and prepping, friendships and working side by side sacrificing yourself for the kids, the beauty of giving yourself away for others.

This camp was way more advanced of course.  I don’t remember even having a power point in our kid’s camp, not to mention editing movie clips as part of group’s assignments.  It was so awesome to be a part of the team, yet it all seemed so distant.  I felt like it was ‘mine’ but no longer mine.  I felt detached.  Like I was trying to resurrect memories that I’ve had previous in my life which was no longer reality.  I envied the passion and excitement of some.  I’ve missed it. I don’t have that spark any longer.  What happened? 

I remembered I’ve had this feeling before.  After 4 years of college life, having had so many memories and experiences, my soul was touched to the core during those years.  It was bitter sweet to leave the campus where such a vital part of my life has taken place.  The nostalgic feeling remained, and I lived missing the ‘college years experience.’  I  thought that if I would only return it will all be the same again.  It was several months after I had the opportunity to visit the campus, and having graduated and gone from it for a time, everything seemed different.  People were different, atmosphere has changed, and I was no longer a part of it. It was time for me to move on.  The feeling that life goes on without you, and that you are no longer a vital part of ‘that’ existence, brought tears to my eyes then.  Now thinking back, I remember it as a growing and maturing stepping stone in my walk with Christ.  Realizing that a new season in my life has begun.

 THiS was a reminder of THaT.

It brings tears to my eyes even now, thinking about how things have changed, and how I no longer feel a part of the ‘camp culture.’

  I miss it.  My heart grieves for it. 

Yet I realize that things will not be the same again.   God has something else in store for me.  Although Kids Camps will forever hold a special place in my heart, I can only look back at it with a sentimental reminder of how the Lord began His vivid work in me and showed me the reality of His presence during my years in camping ministry.  
GOD ANSWERS PRAYER!
That is ONE experience from my camp years I will never forget!!