my gift from Jesus

 Since the time God called me to quit my job and work for Him alone, He has been ‘training’ me in this new position.  Initially He was teaching me the truth of Mathew 7:8 “Everyone who asks, receives.” He was training me in being bold in asking or making the need known and watching Him meet it through other people.  For the last few months though, He has been teaching me another truth: "make your wants known to God" and watch HIM answer.  (Philippians 4:6AMP)

As I am sensing that the season is changing in my life and I am going to be DOING ministry again I began to pray for an upgrade in my computer.  The previous one that I had, was a miracle in itself.  It was given to me, from the Lord through someone almost 3 years ago, and has served incredibly well.  But it is a bit slow, and needs upgrades and virus protection installed among other things.  Since I am not techy at all, I have had several friends who have been trying to convert me to a MAC for a while.  So I finally agreed.  I began to pray about it.  Wasn’t sure what I was to do, and was contemplating posting on facebook the fact that I need a new computer and asking people to pitch in for it.  God has taught me to ASK, so I was going to do it.  But since I am learning this NEW lesson of ASKING JESUS ONLY, I was reluctant.  I decided to not tell anyone, and ask Jesus alone! 

I surrendered and said that since I work for Him, and He is my Employer, I choose to be satisfied with the computer I have.  But that if He chooses to, I would LOOOOOVE to have an upgrade.  A MacBook Air 11 inch (easy to fit in my purse for all my travels).  But that would have to be a miracle, like someone handing me the laptop, or giving me a check for $1000.

Laying it in His hands gave me peace.  Choosing to be content with what I have also gave me peace!

THE NEXT MORNING, I was meeting with people I haven’t seen in a long time.  All of a sudden, I get handed an envelope… with a CHECK for $1000.  I got tears in my eyes, realizing that Jesus is giving me a new computer, THE NEXT DAY after my request! THAT is a MIRACLE!

In a couple of days, God provided an opportunity to purchase a computer from a friend.  So I have the computer I wanted, without paying taxes, and warranty for 3 years included.  Only Like God, to EXCEED my expectations in His faithfulness. 

He is Beyond Good!

Rejoice with me!!!!

As this is a confirmation from Him that my season of rest is ending, and I am ‘back in business.’

Back in His business!

"HAVE TO" vs. "WANT TO"

When was the last time you have REALLY checked your MOTIVE for your various commitments or for doing whatever it is you are doing?
Are you doing something becuase you WANT TO? Or, is it because you HAVE TO?
Just this morning I have realized that the Lord is waiting for my Willingness.  That my agreement to do something is no longer out of OBLIGATION but out of WILLINGNESS.
Doing things out of willingness instead of obligation. Wow.
Thats Freedom!
That's GRACE!
Not because you have to, but because you want to.
The Lord came to earth to save us - not because of an obligation - but because of LOVE, because He wanted to.
And I just realized that He wants me to LiVE and do the same. 
To Truly live.
Freely.
Not because "I MUST."
But because "I GET TO."

sealed lips

I remember a time when our little nice Anna would chatter nonstop. We were driving, and all of a sudden she was quiet.  My friend Larisa laughed and said:  “We found a way to keep Anna quiet for a little while.”  I turned around and asked little Anna a question.  Hardly moving her lips she said: “I can not talk now, I have lipstick on my lips.”

I have been speaking for a while now.  I have been doing seminars for a decade.  Different audiences, different topics.  For the last 5 years I have been speaking about Gods design for Sex.  That is one hard subject to undress.   

I have begun to come in terms with how God created me, the personality He gave me, the love for people, the boldness in sharing, the desire to spread His truth, the confidence on stage, the compassion for others hurts, the intercession on peoples behalf…

All these things He has instilled, and has been slowly unveiling.  As I have finally consented, as I have humbly accepted that what God wants from me is courage.   Courage to stand against the tide.  Courage to speak His truth and Might, to point to Him against all odds.  In all of this excitement and final acceptance of my design, He has simply, peacefully, firmly, all of a sudden asked me to STOP SPEAKING.

How can this be? I am a speaker, and to stop speaking, is to really stop all I’ve been doing.  He has asked me to STOP DOING, and learn to Just BE. And thus I must quietly, concede.   

I have complied.  With difficulty, I denied an opportunity to serve. To minister to parents, youth, to speak to people His Mighty Truth.  It’s hard to do Gods will because it often doesn’t make sense at first, yet in the end, obedience is better than sacrifice, to our Lord.  

Recently as I have regretted some of the things I said. I have realized that my consent to Gods request has put me on His terms of Rest.  

There is no more authority in my words.

That was humbling to realize that the strength and impact of speaking comes from the One within, and at His choosing.

For a season, He wants me to listen, and not to speak, to remain silent, to seal my lips.

Oh Lord, please forgive me, that I am a slow learner.  I hear your words, I want to obey, but at the first opportunity to practice silence, I speak and fail your request.    

My lips are sealed!!

Maybe I shall wear lipstick, and like my little niece, be reminded that I CAN NOT SPEAK!!

off radar

As I embraced Gods call to silence and Real Rest, I was washed over with a longing to hide. 

To really escape.  To run away. To be alone.  To be without a phone!

My phone is such a link for me. It keeps me connected not only with friends and family, but with teens, and people in general.  There is no distance or time or space with an internet in my hand.

When I travel I feel like I always have a crowd with me through the facebook app.  My camera and instagram have replaced my big Nikon and digital Cannon.  I do more work on my phone than I do on my comp. 

And so, as I began to accept Gods call and my need to really rest, I realized that I wont be able to unless I completely abandon my computer and iphone too. 

I was dreaming to escape to the coast where there is no service. That’s always easiest instead of putting your own will to the test. 

The circumstances seem to forbid such escape.  Yet my heart still longs to seclude itself.  To cut off all communication with the rest.  No emails, or facebook, no talking and No Texts.  To go completely ‘under the radar,’ for a Real Rest.

Don’t know when or how that will be.  But I want this cut off from the world and full serenity!

 I want my SEARCH to be for the Father above, oh how I long to be RECONNECTED with His great Love.  I want to HIBERNATE in His sweet embrace. I want to CHARGE up with His power, His Word and to just seek His face. 

In this seasons lesson of “just be” I want to run away into His SECURITY.  There seems to be some VIRUSES that I picked up along the way.  I want Him to INSTALL His will and purpose, to SAVE His Truths deep within my system, REBOOT me completely, so I can RUN like new.

So, if you will not receive any answers to my texts, if you wont see any posts, or pictures on facebook, than know that I have finally DISCONNECTED and went completely Undetected – off radar!!!

just BE

I make plans, but the Lord has His own.

Lately I have had several major changes in what ‘I’ thought I should be doing.  As a year mark hit of my ‘quitting my job, selling possessions and living on the go’, I thought surely the time has come for me to get busy. 

God has been teaching me about Sabbath rest, and so after a year, I thought: “Ok Lord, I Rested – check, lets get this show on the road.” But apparently the Lord had other plans. As I was challenged by Him to pause and analyze my path, it was the Lords response “Whenever you will be done resting Actively Your Way, we will begin rest My Way!”

So during the 'year of Sabbath,' I thought I rested I actually didn’t rest at all.  Well I did rest, because I didn’t have a daily full time job, and was able to travel and see people, which always energizes me, but I was not being STILL, like God wanted me to.  Although I did not ‘promote myself’ I still did speaking engagements, little home groups, girls sleepovers, and private meetings.  Although it was all fun for me to do, it is as if the Lord is now saying: “Are you ready for REAL REST now?”

As a pastor clarified for me, that doing ministry full time and getting a pay check, and then quitting my job and trusting God to provide, and continuing to do ministry is NOT REST. 

I feel like I must completely withdraw into the desert.  That means to actually NOT take ANY speaking gigs, and actually say NO to those that do come up, and that is so extremely Hard!!

This seems so odd because there is so much need.  But God is saying, we will now “rest My way!” not your ‘busy way.’  I am not the one to meet people’s needs, GOD IS and for Him to do so, I must step out of the way. 

As I was offered to have my way paid to “just come and BE” I realized how useless and wasteful I think that is.  I just do not understand my worth aside from DOING, and MINISTERING, LISTENING, PRAYING, CARING, LOVING, SPEAKING, LEADING.. anything, except JUST BEING. 

Thru all this I realized that truly with all this doing, I am trying to earn Gods approval, to prove to Him that His making me is not useless in this world.  It feels so unnatural for me not to DO anything, but that is precisely what God wants me to do (or Not to Do) J. 

My Sabbath is suppose to only Start when I choose to STOP. 

Stop DOING, and start BEING.

I don’t know what that is all about, do you?

Perhaps, I shall learn from a baby, peacefully sleeping in my arms, what that is like?!

in a haze

Do you ever have a day or days when you just feel like you’re in a haze?

You regret the things you’ve said.. getting down on yourself.. nothing seems to make much sense.. thoughts are jumbled.. all a mess.  Is it hormones? State of being? Thoughts? Reality? Deceptive feeling?

Moments when I want to simply disappear.  Confusion.  Apathy.  Nothingness.  Sickness. Illness.  Boredom. Purpose.

Training. Waiting…. Anticipating.

Trusting.

Thinking.

Praying.

Sleeping.  Reading. Eating.

Spinning endlessly in this cycle of Living.

Where is the pause button? Where is the Stop?

Who is whirling – me, or the world around me?

missed my flight

So there is a “first time for everything” as my sister commented on facebook status that stated: “NEVER HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE, I MISSED MY PLANE THIS MORNING!”

Now, for the first time, I officially missed my flight.   I overslept!

My friends in Seattle have relentlessly talked me into coming to their kids camp.  They have graciously pitched in funds to purchase me a ticket, and the time has come for me to actually fly out of New York into Seattle. 

My very responsible friend that I was staying with asked me the night before if she should set her alarm, to take me to La Guardia for my 6:30am flight.  Not wanting to burden her with yet another task I said: “Oh no, don’t worry I’ll wake you up!”  That night as I ‘almost finished’ packing, I set TWO alarms.  ‘Just in case’ I thought.  Never the less as I squinted my eyes in the morning noticing that its already LIGHT in the room, I have grabbed by phone, only to see 6:02 on the clock.    

As I was brushing my teeth I had a wave of panic coming on but I said to myself: “Nope! I Choose to TRUST!!”  We were in the car in minute and began our drive thru New York City traffic.

We pulled up to the terminal at about 6:47.  I couldn’t believe this was happening and just kept praying that God will go before me and direct everything.   As I stood in line to speak to an agent for over an hour I read the Prime Time devotions that I get daily thru email and it said "God has a specific plan for the people who fully trust in Him.”
I had many thoughts running thru my mind.  I kept thinking how crazy it is that all these people pitched in for my ticket and now it's gone.  I didn't pitch in anything for it, and now paying a fee to change my ticket is probably what I have to do, but that I don't have any money to pay for it and that I don't even have a job to "just charge it" which I always felt free to do before because I could always pay it off later.  But this is a different stage in my life now that I am still getting used to.   This “not relying on self” and not being so “self sufficient” business is NOT EASY!

I kept thinking about all this, and just praying calmly. What am I going to say when I get up to the counter?   I couldn’t text anyone on the west coast because it was 4am their time, so  I opted out for sending prayer request messages to my friend in Portugal, and my friend in Texas, whom I figured would probably be up feeding her newborn.  I especially couldn’t text my friend in Seattle who arranged my whole flight because I felt terrible and just didn’t know what to say.   

My turn to step up to the counter, I looked in the eyes of the lady before me and said: "I missed my flight this morning" and gave her my ID.  She started clicking away on her computer .   I quietly said: "I'll take anything - even if it will take me 3 days to get there" (‘even if I have to go thru Alaska,’ I thought).   She kept clicking on the computer, and then printed the tickets.  Handing them to me she said: I put you on standby.. And there HAS to be a seat!  Do you have any bags to check in?”   I said No, because I usually try and take all my stuff as carry on to save on paying for baggage check in.

I started heading to security still stunned that I didn’t have to pay for anything.  I only had one experience in Russia, where I missed my flight because of weather conditions in the North Pole, and I HAD to purchase another ticket for $1000 then, and it was NOT MY FAULT.  Here it WAS MY FAULT and I didn't have to pay at all! (no logic in this whatsoever).   
As I got to security the lady checked my ID and pointed for me to get thru only to notice my bulging suitcase.  She said: "You HAVE to check this in, it's too big!  Go back up to any counter and check it in."
I walked back thinking I have to pull out my credit card to pay for checking in my bag. I thought - well paying $30 is good enough when I didn't have to pay any fee for a missed flight!  The lady just looked at my ticket and printed out the sticker and with a smile said: "Enjoy your flight!"

In complete shock I headed to the security check line.  At this point I was not worried AT ALL any more, because OBVIOUSLY God has got my back!! What was interesting to me, was how CHOOSING to TRUST has kept me calm throughout the whole thing. 

Finally, I have decided to text my friends in Seattle. I have realized that I had so much fear of disappointing them.   Because I had a resolution already to the whole dilemma, I had nothing to fear now.  They put effort and money into getting me over there, and I just couldn’t call them with such a news until there was a solution.  What fascinated me most, was the response I got to my text stating that I missed my flight.  I don’t know what I expected but I did NOT expect back a simple “It’s ok. Let’s get you another flight.”   That blew me away.  Here I was thinking up apologies and just feeling horrible for such a big mistake, and I get in response: “We’ll just get you another flight here.”   As in ‘we will pay AGAIN for your mistake.’

I was so glad they didn’t have to.  I was so thankful for God taking care of it all.  But I also know that my friend has no idea how deep his response hit something in my heart.  Jesus Himself was showing me His mercy, grace, and forgiveness thru a simple text message.  How often am I afraid to go to Jesus because I messed up? How often do I feel like I am disappointing God, yet again? I try and figure out a solution, something to show for my behavior, actions, thoughts, and He simply states, “It is done!”  He has already paid the price.  It is finished.  It has all been covered by the precious blood of Jesus.  I think I still have to ponder deeper on this amazing truth…...

I was first on the standby list, and I surprisingly got an emergency exit row, which means extra leg room! Yippie!!

In Chicago, I caught up to my original plane.  Walking up to the gate only to see it already closed after boarding, the plane stood there long enough for me to take a picture of it and that's it.  In an hour I was on the next one heading to Seattle.  It seemed like weeks have passed, but it was only that morning that I was in New York and here I was on the opposite coast driving with another sweet friend thru Seattle traffic, processing out loud the events of the day, finding deeper meanings in the whole adventure. 

This made me think, how amazingly God uses people as His instruments to work in other peoples lives, and how these instruments have no idea what incredible healing work the Father is doing in His children, thru them ‘Just being’ who they are.  As God continues His “Just Be” lesson with me, I have to believe, that He is also using me as a tool in His hand, regardless of His command for me to STOP DOING and serving, and speaking, and leading, and simply BEING.     

For all this and more. I am truly thankful. 

(“ ‘JUST BE’ LESSON” blog– coming soon!)